I can only assume my human talks about me all the time, considering I am the best thing that has ever happened to her, but she does not truly understand my feelings.
No one does.
Which is why I have taken over the blog for the day, to express some of my keen observations.
Let me outline my ideal day:
3AM: I like to get up and prowl around the house, checking all corners, closets, and windows for potential threats. One can never be too cautious.
4AM: Having secured the perimeter, it is time to chase the toys my human has left out for me. Clearly they require constant reminders of my superior status. My human would tell you this is an exercise regime, but my voluptuous figure requires no such maintenance.
5AM: As the dawn begins to lighten the sky, I like to watch the birds. Stupid things. I enjoy taunting them.
6AM: Typically my human is still asleep. How she sleeps through the night is a mystery to me, but I take it upon myself to check that she is still alive by working through my vocal scales, making as much noise as I possibly can.
Sometimes she responds, and it entertains me greatly to see her stomp about to see if I need something before returning to bed.
I never do.
7AM: By now I'm getting rather tired - I've been up for hours, after all - so it's time for my morning nap.
8AM: Make sure my human takes care of my room - I do so hate to have it messy - and wait for her to remember to entertain me. Sometimes she forgets, so I just go back to sleep.
Once my human goes to work, I do what I like. However, I like to keep my activities a secret from my human and, since she may see this, I will not be divulging that classified information at this time.
4PM: By now if my human hasn't returned I begin to feel some concern. It is a big world out there and I am not convinced she can take care of herself without me. I wait for footsteps in the hall until she comes in, ready to call in backup if necessary.
Of course it would not do to let her be aware of my worries, so I let her believe I simply missed her. I do somewhat enjoy when she scoops me up for a hug, but I draw the line at rocking me like a child. The indignity of it!
The evening passes swiftly, and I alternate napping and chasing that silly pompom that lays there mocking me.
7PM: My human knows I like to sit quietly by now. Lately she has been taking off in the evenings again, off to some rehearsal or other. Does she not care about the danger? It is aggravating to see someone behaving to ineptly. I try to explain my views to her, but I might as well be speaking dog for all she listens to me.
9PM: Finally she is back. Now I can sit on her lap - I find some pleasure in this particular location, as I can absorb some warmth. Often my human tries to stroke my hair, though, and I find this annoying.
Does no one respect personal boundaries anymore?
11PM: Once my human goes to bed, sometimes I have had enough of her presence and I stay in the living room. Other nights, when she has behaved well, I jump up and curl up by her side. This might be my favorite, as I can really keep an eye on my human through the night. It is safer that way.
Things that annoy me: touching, static, strange noises, anyone singing (especially my human), loud beeping, anything canine in nature, rambunctious children, people taking my chair...I could go on. But no one really cares what irritates me, so I will not bother to continue.
Why am I writing all this down? My reasons are beyond your comprehension, human. Do not question my motives again.
With angst and feline suavity,
Bootsy
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