Resistance to Fear

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear." ~Mark Twain 

What is your greatest fear?

It's actually very unclear to me what my deepest and greatest "fear" is, the one that probably motivates all that I do. So rather than delve into analyzing my personal psyche, let's just pick one scenario that I find/found terrifying:

Having my car malfunction on a (busy) multi-lane highway in a big city.

While having my car break down anywhere is not something I perceive as a fun time, I always wondered what people did when it happened in heavy traffic during rush hour where there are really no curbs and no one wants to slow down for anything.

I found out.

And it was one of the most terrifying moments of my life thus far.

Thankfully, I was protected from harm when my car overheated and stalled on the interstate a week and a half ago during evening rush hour. Being in the third lane at the time, I turned on my emergency lights and prayed fervently as I waited for traffic to allow me to coast over to the side of the road. Finding myself parked safely on the side of the highway with cars zipping past me at 65mph on a  hot summer day, I proceeded to alternately freak out, take deep breaths, and utilize the beauty of cell phone service.

Oh, I won't bore you with the details, but suffice to say that after a series of phone calls, a ride in a tow truck, and an impromptu overnight stay at my brother's (praise the Lord for family!), my car was fixed and I was brave enough to get back into traffic the next day and drive home.

Life went on.

Perhaps it was a trivial episode to some, but since that experience I have felt different somehow. More spontaneous, more assertive, more inspired. Having one of my worst nightmares come true resulted in some unforeseen benefits, such as spending some quality time with family I would not have otherwise seen at that time.

Considering this, I've realized that I've allowed fear too much control in my life. Now I want to start living without worrying about what could happen. Fear won't stop bad things from happening to me, but it can stop me from doing good things. It's time to be courageous and pursue good anyway, accepting the bad as it comes.

Recently I was having a conversation with an acquaintance about being more involved in the community, whether it's theatrical productions or committees or other volunteer positions, and he mentioned something about how great it was that I was being open and sharing myself with others. In the first place, I felt this was a beautiful compliment, as I hope to be as he described. However, in another sense I felt a bit chagrined that while perhaps I give that impression, I do not always feel open, do not always authentically let others see me for who I am. This is another example of how fear rules my life, being closed off from letting others see past the surface and receiving the joyful satisfaction of getting to know people on a deeper level.

While it's not easy and I still have an inner terror of what people will think if I actually say what I'm thinking, I'm striving to break down the walls and let people in. Maybe it will help if I think of myself as a piece of art in a museum: people walk in to have a look; some like it, some pretend to like it, some critique the artist, and some flat out hate it, but regardless of how it makes them feel they have experienced the work of art and its value remains unchanged.

We are all works of art, and as such we have a responsibility to share our individual beauty with the world - maybe we are cutting edge and abstract, or maybe we are more refined and familiar, but each has the potential to touch lives and deserves a place on the wall of life.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
~Eleanor Roosevelt 

Be Still and Wait

"I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing; 

wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing; 

there is yet faith, but the faith and the love are all in the waiting. 

Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: 

So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing." 

~T.S. Eliot 

Happening upon this quote by T.S. Eliot, I realize that these lines describe where I am in life better than I have been able to lately. Yes, they are taken out of context and I honestly have not read the rest of the (very long) poem that goes with them, but I'd like to just focus on this passage and (try to) explain what I mean. 

"I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing;"

First of all, what does it mean to "be still"? I couldn't tell you! Perhaps it is from lack of trying, but I find I have a very difficult time letting myself truly quiet down and be still; to enjoy silence and allow my thoughts to wander without reaching to take a picture or read something to distract me from my own reality. Perhaps this is why I have not been productive in my spare time, since I don't know how to let myself have creative ideas and really focus on any sewing projects or writing or even entering into conversation with other people. Hard to express my thoughts when I haven't exactly been letting myself think! 

But perhaps you are wondering why I am connecting with the "wait without hope..." part of that line. It's not that I don't have hope - indeed, I believe that if we have not hope we are sadly lost, since that is a crucial part of what keeps us going through the drudgery of daily life. But hope in what exactly? It's hard not to start making plans and want specific things to happen. To paint a picture of my ideal life and become disappointed when it doesn't appear. Isn't this a recipe for missing what is in my life, though? If I'm so focused on looking for what I want to find, it's like when I can't see what's waiting there on the table as I scrabble around in the cupboard. So perhaps it would be better if, while I have hope that good things are coming, I try to keep more of an open mind and be ready to accept the opportunities that do present themselves. 

"wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing;"

Okay, honesty here. As a single person making her seemingly insignificant way in the world, I sometimes wonder if I'll always be alone. Oh sure, love can show itself in many ways (family, cat, community, kindness from a stranger, etc.) But I'm going to make this about relationships of the romantic variety. I am not exactly the most approachable person in the world: I'm shy in new situations, I take a LONG time to open up to people (even my closest friends still have to pry my true feelings out of me with a tweezers and a crescent wrench and even then they come out somewhat scratched and incomplete), and I happen to be incredibly comfortable being by myself. However, there is still that other side of my brain that knows having someone in my life would be a wonderful thing. Forcing it, though, cannot end well and I know from experience that it's better to be alone than with the wrong person. 

"there is yet faith, but the faith and the love are all in the waiting."

Exactly! 

"Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought:" 

Methinks perhaps I'm disobeying this line by writing this extremely personal post. Yet, didn't I already say I have been unable to think? At some point the waiting has to end, the thoughts have to begin, and the hope and love and faith all need to work together in the present moment to show me what my life needs to be! I can wait, but patience is not always my strongest suit. 

"So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing."

The meaning of this line is unclear to me. Perhaps if I read the whole poem it would make more sense. I will say that finding joys in the waiting has made this period of my life one of the happiest yet. There have been opportunities that I have been so blessed with, from being involved in the community in what small ways I can be, to thriving in my little home, taking care of my cat and learning how to live responsibly (okay, still a lot to learn!). My friendships have grown, my reading list is actually getting some checkmarks, and for the most part I feel at peace with where I am. 

Some days I just wonder what will be next, and when the real dancing will begin.