Be Still and Wait

"I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing; 

wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing; 

there is yet faith, but the faith and the love are all in the waiting. 

Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: 

So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing." 

~T.S. Eliot 

Happening upon this quote by T.S. Eliot, I realize that these lines describe where I am in life better than I have been able to lately. Yes, they are taken out of context and I honestly have not read the rest of the (very long) poem that goes with them, but I'd like to just focus on this passage and (try to) explain what I mean. 

"I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing;"

First of all, what does it mean to "be still"? I couldn't tell you! Perhaps it is from lack of trying, but I find I have a very difficult time letting myself truly quiet down and be still; to enjoy silence and allow my thoughts to wander without reaching to take a picture or read something to distract me from my own reality. Perhaps this is why I have not been productive in my spare time, since I don't know how to let myself have creative ideas and really focus on any sewing projects or writing or even entering into conversation with other people. Hard to express my thoughts when I haven't exactly been letting myself think! 

But perhaps you are wondering why I am connecting with the "wait without hope..." part of that line. It's not that I don't have hope - indeed, I believe that if we have not hope we are sadly lost, since that is a crucial part of what keeps us going through the drudgery of daily life. But hope in what exactly? It's hard not to start making plans and want specific things to happen. To paint a picture of my ideal life and become disappointed when it doesn't appear. Isn't this a recipe for missing what is in my life, though? If I'm so focused on looking for what I want to find, it's like when I can't see what's waiting there on the table as I scrabble around in the cupboard. So perhaps it would be better if, while I have hope that good things are coming, I try to keep more of an open mind and be ready to accept the opportunities that do present themselves. 

"wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing;"

Okay, honesty here. As a single person making her seemingly insignificant way in the world, I sometimes wonder if I'll always be alone. Oh sure, love can show itself in many ways (family, cat, community, kindness from a stranger, etc.) But I'm going to make this about relationships of the romantic variety. I am not exactly the most approachable person in the world: I'm shy in new situations, I take a LONG time to open up to people (even my closest friends still have to pry my true feelings out of me with a tweezers and a crescent wrench and even then they come out somewhat scratched and incomplete), and I happen to be incredibly comfortable being by myself. However, there is still that other side of my brain that knows having someone in my life would be a wonderful thing. Forcing it, though, cannot end well and I know from experience that it's better to be alone than with the wrong person. 

"there is yet faith, but the faith and the love are all in the waiting."

Exactly! 

"Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought:" 

Methinks perhaps I'm disobeying this line by writing this extremely personal post. Yet, didn't I already say I have been unable to think? At some point the waiting has to end, the thoughts have to begin, and the hope and love and faith all need to work together in the present moment to show me what my life needs to be! I can wait, but patience is not always my strongest suit. 

"So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing."

The meaning of this line is unclear to me. Perhaps if I read the whole poem it would make more sense. I will say that finding joys in the waiting has made this period of my life one of the happiest yet. There have been opportunities that I have been so blessed with, from being involved in the community in what small ways I can be, to thriving in my little home, taking care of my cat and learning how to live responsibly (okay, still a lot to learn!). My friendships have grown, my reading list is actually getting some checkmarks, and for the most part I feel at peace with where I am. 

Some days I just wonder what will be next, and when the real dancing will begin.