Resistance to Fear

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear." ~Mark Twain 

What is your greatest fear?

It's actually very unclear to me what my deepest and greatest "fear" is, the one that probably motivates all that I do. So rather than delve into analyzing my personal psyche, let's just pick one scenario that I find/found terrifying:

Having my car malfunction on a (busy) multi-lane highway in a big city.

While having my car break down anywhere is not something I perceive as a fun time, I always wondered what people did when it happened in heavy traffic during rush hour where there are really no curbs and no one wants to slow down for anything.

I found out.

And it was one of the most terrifying moments of my life thus far.

Thankfully, I was protected from harm when my car overheated and stalled on the interstate a week and a half ago during evening rush hour. Being in the third lane at the time, I turned on my emergency lights and prayed fervently as I waited for traffic to allow me to coast over to the side of the road. Finding myself parked safely on the side of the highway with cars zipping past me at 65mph on a  hot summer day, I proceeded to alternately freak out, take deep breaths, and utilize the beauty of cell phone service.

Oh, I won't bore you with the details, but suffice to say that after a series of phone calls, a ride in a tow truck, and an impromptu overnight stay at my brother's (praise the Lord for family!), my car was fixed and I was brave enough to get back into traffic the next day and drive home.

Life went on.

Perhaps it was a trivial episode to some, but since that experience I have felt different somehow. More spontaneous, more assertive, more inspired. Having one of my worst nightmares come true resulted in some unforeseen benefits, such as spending some quality time with family I would not have otherwise seen at that time.

Considering this, I've realized that I've allowed fear too much control in my life. Now I want to start living without worrying about what could happen. Fear won't stop bad things from happening to me, but it can stop me from doing good things. It's time to be courageous and pursue good anyway, accepting the bad as it comes.

Recently I was having a conversation with an acquaintance about being more involved in the community, whether it's theatrical productions or committees or other volunteer positions, and he mentioned something about how great it was that I was being open and sharing myself with others. In the first place, I felt this was a beautiful compliment, as I hope to be as he described. However, in another sense I felt a bit chagrined that while perhaps I give that impression, I do not always feel open, do not always authentically let others see me for who I am. This is another example of how fear rules my life, being closed off from letting others see past the surface and receiving the joyful satisfaction of getting to know people on a deeper level.

While it's not easy and I still have an inner terror of what people will think if I actually say what I'm thinking, I'm striving to break down the walls and let people in. Maybe it will help if I think of myself as a piece of art in a museum: people walk in to have a look; some like it, some pretend to like it, some critique the artist, and some flat out hate it, but regardless of how it makes them feel they have experienced the work of art and its value remains unchanged.

We are all works of art, and as such we have a responsibility to share our individual beauty with the world - maybe we are cutting edge and abstract, or maybe we are more refined and familiar, but each has the potential to touch lives and deserves a place on the wall of life.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
~Eleanor Roosevelt