Passing Shadow

“There, peeping among the cloud-wrack above a dark tor high up in the mountains, Sam saw a white star twinkle for a while. The beauty of it smote his heart, as he looked up out of the forsaken land, and hope returned to him. For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light and high beauty for ever beyond its reach.” ~J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King

Taking the words from my diary after watching “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy directed by Peter Jackson over the weekend, my feelings were thus:

“Just finished watching ‘The Lord of the Rings’. Again. Those movies still grip my heart and shred it to pieces.”

This latest viewing of my second-favorite story of all time was one of the more profound experiences that I have had with the world of Middle Earth. Challenging myself to watch the characters’ eyes (I tend to watch jaw/mouth movement more than keeping track of those fascinating windows to the soul, so this was an opportunity to practice better habits) I found myself analyzing the characters more deeply than I might have otherwise. Some new perspectives were formed, and as tears escaped my eyes at multiple poignant moments, I felt a profound gratitude for the lessons and examples of beauty and sacrifice that have been so formative in my life. Tolkien’s genius is complex; a multi-faceted gem that bears examination from numerous angles.

In recent weeks I have felt drawn to a deeper study of my faith. Driven by a desire to learn more accurately the intricacies of the Catholic faith I profess, to devote more effort and humility to my journey of prayer, and to open my heart to notice and act on the possibilities to do good in the world around me. Perhaps because of this recent fascination, I had an idea while watching LOTR that each character, though not an allegorical parallel to any specific figures in Catholicism or history, has as a fundamental drive in their character a single characteristic representative of the human and divine love of Jesus Christ.

Sound a little far-fetched? Allow me to explain myself.

Let’s look at Frodo, as perhaps the most obvious example. Caught up in a situation beyond his control, he takes the burden of the ring upon himself, determined to destroy evil for the salvation of Middle Earth even at the expense of himself.

If this doesn’t make you think of Jesus becoming human, dying to save us from our sins  and destroying death forever, then I’m not sure what will. To clarify, however, I do not see Frodo as a completely Christ-like figure; rather, he possesses this one anomalous trait of seemingly divine quality, while the rest of his character displays flaws that are more relatable.

Another principle character that deserves recognition is Aragorn, the lost king who struggles to accept his inheritance and role of leadership. While we could delve into his intense humility being a type of pride, but I want to focus on the part where he embraces his role as king: he returns to Gondor first as a healer, (something only seen in a tiny scene in the extended DVD) an ancient prophecy that he fulfills. Aragorn heals the wounded and calls them back to life. The white tree, the tree of the king that represents the life of the kingdom, blooms upon his return. Yes, Aragorn leads armies and fights literal battles, but it is in his role of reestablishing a kingdom, rebuilding a world of hope and peace, that I see the most profound element reminiscent of Christ.

Gandalf is another obvious example of Christ-like peculiarity: he dies and comes back to life, glorified and more powerful than before! Constantly sharing wisdom, speaking in “riddles” (as Jesus was prone to speak in parables?), he guides his followers with the assurance of one who seeks their good and the good of the world.

Sam. My dear Sam. When Sam musters the last of his strength to carry Frodo up Mount Doom, I was reminded of Jesus asking us to cast our burdens upon him: “Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

And remember the “Footprints in the Sand” poem, where in a beautiful reflection Jesus is written to say “When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you.”?

Just as Sam is constantly loyal to Frodo and helps him on his quest no matter how many times Frodo pushes him away, Jesus never ceases to love us and take our trials on himself, carrying our burdens and showing a fierce determination to see us through no matter how often we try to reject him. He remains steadfast and true.

Of course there are so many characters, and I think I could continue this analysis with all of them, but I’ll just settle with those four heroes for now. The next question is what are they all fighting against? Or what are they all fighting for?

“But in the end, it’s only a passing thing…this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.” ~J.R.R. Tolkien, The Two Towers.

What is the “shadow”? While seemingly the villain in the story is the One Ring, or perhaps Sauron and his minions, I think it’s deeper than that. Multiple times the “shadow” alone is referenced as something to combat, whether physically as represented by the evil forces in the world or mentally as an attack on ones ability to hope and stay focused on what is good and pure.

“Home is behind, the world ahead,

and there are many paths to tread

through shadows to the edge of night,

until the stars are all alight.” 

~J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

Perhaps the shadow is not one person or being, but rather the presence of evil itself. Evil can present itself in many forms: through Sauron, the ring, even ones own desires and temptations. It is the decision of heroes to fight against this shadow, this evil, and maintain the hope that good exists and is always worth defending.

“Above all shadows rides the Sun

And Stars for ever dwell:

I will not say the Day is done, 

Nor bid the Stars farewell.”

 ~J.R.R. Tolkien

Resistance to Fear

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear." ~Mark Twain 

What is your greatest fear?

It's actually very unclear to me what my deepest and greatest "fear" is, the one that probably motivates all that I do. So rather than delve into analyzing my personal psyche, let's just pick one scenario that I find/found terrifying:

Having my car malfunction on a (busy) multi-lane highway in a big city.

While having my car break down anywhere is not something I perceive as a fun time, I always wondered what people did when it happened in heavy traffic during rush hour where there are really no curbs and no one wants to slow down for anything.

I found out.

And it was one of the most terrifying moments of my life thus far.

Thankfully, I was protected from harm when my car overheated and stalled on the interstate a week and a half ago during evening rush hour. Being in the third lane at the time, I turned on my emergency lights and prayed fervently as I waited for traffic to allow me to coast over to the side of the road. Finding myself parked safely on the side of the highway with cars zipping past me at 65mph on a  hot summer day, I proceeded to alternately freak out, take deep breaths, and utilize the beauty of cell phone service.

Oh, I won't bore you with the details, but suffice to say that after a series of phone calls, a ride in a tow truck, and an impromptu overnight stay at my brother's (praise the Lord for family!), my car was fixed and I was brave enough to get back into traffic the next day and drive home.

Life went on.

Perhaps it was a trivial episode to some, but since that experience I have felt different somehow. More spontaneous, more assertive, more inspired. Having one of my worst nightmares come true resulted in some unforeseen benefits, such as spending some quality time with family I would not have otherwise seen at that time.

Considering this, I've realized that I've allowed fear too much control in my life. Now I want to start living without worrying about what could happen. Fear won't stop bad things from happening to me, but it can stop me from doing good things. It's time to be courageous and pursue good anyway, accepting the bad as it comes.

Recently I was having a conversation with an acquaintance about being more involved in the community, whether it's theatrical productions or committees or other volunteer positions, and he mentioned something about how great it was that I was being open and sharing myself with others. In the first place, I felt this was a beautiful compliment, as I hope to be as he described. However, in another sense I felt a bit chagrined that while perhaps I give that impression, I do not always feel open, do not always authentically let others see me for who I am. This is another example of how fear rules my life, being closed off from letting others see past the surface and receiving the joyful satisfaction of getting to know people on a deeper level.

While it's not easy and I still have an inner terror of what people will think if I actually say what I'm thinking, I'm striving to break down the walls and let people in. Maybe it will help if I think of myself as a piece of art in a museum: people walk in to have a look; some like it, some pretend to like it, some critique the artist, and some flat out hate it, but regardless of how it makes them feel they have experienced the work of art and its value remains unchanged.

We are all works of art, and as such we have a responsibility to share our individual beauty with the world - maybe we are cutting edge and abstract, or maybe we are more refined and familiar, but each has the potential to touch lives and deserves a place on the wall of life.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
~Eleanor Roosevelt 

Be Still and Wait

"I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing; 

wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing; 

there is yet faith, but the faith and the love are all in the waiting. 

Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: 

So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing." 

~T.S. Eliot 

Happening upon this quote by T.S. Eliot, I realize that these lines describe where I am in life better than I have been able to lately. Yes, they are taken out of context and I honestly have not read the rest of the (very long) poem that goes with them, but I'd like to just focus on this passage and (try to) explain what I mean. 

"I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing;"

First of all, what does it mean to "be still"? I couldn't tell you! Perhaps it is from lack of trying, but I find I have a very difficult time letting myself truly quiet down and be still; to enjoy silence and allow my thoughts to wander without reaching to take a picture or read something to distract me from my own reality. Perhaps this is why I have not been productive in my spare time, since I don't know how to let myself have creative ideas and really focus on any sewing projects or writing or even entering into conversation with other people. Hard to express my thoughts when I haven't exactly been letting myself think! 

But perhaps you are wondering why I am connecting with the "wait without hope..." part of that line. It's not that I don't have hope - indeed, I believe that if we have not hope we are sadly lost, since that is a crucial part of what keeps us going through the drudgery of daily life. But hope in what exactly? It's hard not to start making plans and want specific things to happen. To paint a picture of my ideal life and become disappointed when it doesn't appear. Isn't this a recipe for missing what is in my life, though? If I'm so focused on looking for what I want to find, it's like when I can't see what's waiting there on the table as I scrabble around in the cupboard. So perhaps it would be better if, while I have hope that good things are coming, I try to keep more of an open mind and be ready to accept the opportunities that do present themselves. 

"wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing;"

Okay, honesty here. As a single person making her seemingly insignificant way in the world, I sometimes wonder if I'll always be alone. Oh sure, love can show itself in many ways (family, cat, community, kindness from a stranger, etc.) But I'm going to make this about relationships of the romantic variety. I am not exactly the most approachable person in the world: I'm shy in new situations, I take a LONG time to open up to people (even my closest friends still have to pry my true feelings out of me with a tweezers and a crescent wrench and even then they come out somewhat scratched and incomplete), and I happen to be incredibly comfortable being by myself. However, there is still that other side of my brain that knows having someone in my life would be a wonderful thing. Forcing it, though, cannot end well and I know from experience that it's better to be alone than with the wrong person. 

"there is yet faith, but the faith and the love are all in the waiting."

Exactly! 

"Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought:" 

Methinks perhaps I'm disobeying this line by writing this extremely personal post. Yet, didn't I already say I have been unable to think? At some point the waiting has to end, the thoughts have to begin, and the hope and love and faith all need to work together in the present moment to show me what my life needs to be! I can wait, but patience is not always my strongest suit. 

"So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing."

The meaning of this line is unclear to me. Perhaps if I read the whole poem it would make more sense. I will say that finding joys in the waiting has made this period of my life one of the happiest yet. There have been opportunities that I have been so blessed with, from being involved in the community in what small ways I can be, to thriving in my little home, taking care of my cat and learning how to live responsibly (okay, still a lot to learn!). My friendships have grown, my reading list is actually getting some checkmarks, and for the most part I feel at peace with where I am. 

Some days I just wonder what will be next, and when the real dancing will begin.